JULY: Black Eyed (Jersey) Tools!

July is almost over! The summer is half over! To me, August always feels the same as a Sunday used to feel like back in the day: Crap I gotta go back to school!!!!

Comedy wise I am doing stand Up at the BROADWAY COMEDY CLUB every friday night at 7pm. Go to www.like2laug.com to purchase tickets. Also, I am auditioning a sketch show at the UCB theater in August, so come on out to that. Other than that, July has been a crazay month and August should be pretty damn sweet.

Here's a quick wrap up of what I did in July:

1) GOT JUMPED: Yeah, for those of you who saw me with a black eye, I DID NOT get that in the mosh pit at a Hannah Montanah concert! I got jumped by THREE Jersey cokeheads outside of a bar. (for once it was a random act of violence and not because I was running my mouth). It sucked, but I took my beating like a man and did some shots. Most people ask "How'd you know they were from Jersey?" With spikey hair like SOnic The Hedghog, smelling like they bathed in Versace cologne and screaming the lyrics to Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" as they hit me, they could only be from Belmar, NJ.


2) GREAT ADVENTURE: I haven't been to Great Adventure since I went with the orchestra in 6th Grade. G.A. is amazing! Except for one thing; it's in JERSEY. Driving down the Garden State pkway, we get a flat tire. It takes us 35 min to rip the tire off in the 99 degree heat. The cops hassel us for no reason. I was so angry that I threw the tire into the median and left it there, completely forgetting that I needed the rim. (BONEHEAD!) So after 16 miles to the next exit and driving 45 mhp with my hazards on, and the Jersey d-bags screaming at me, i finally go to a mechanic who said we had to drive back and get the rim! On the donut, we drove back got the rim, came back and they didn't have that tire in stock (OF COURSE, its NJ). Finally, we get the tire at another station. We get to Great Adventure at 6pm. It was A BLAST! We went on the FASTEST and TALLEST rollercoaster on earth THE KING DA KA. But of course, my brother's cell phone flew out of his pocket on that ride... Peep this sick video from Japanese Tourists!




3) MTV FLEW ME TO SAN DIEGO! - This was a highlight of my summer! San Diego is dope and I wish I had more time to check it out. I will go back for sure! The show I worked on was Scarred Live! Hosted by Wee Man, Playmate of the Year Kara Monaco and Top Model Caridee English.




Motocross superstar Brian Deegan did a backflip over a shark tank for fuck's sake! It was rad!



4) TOOL at PNC Bank ARTS!: This was my 4th time seeing the band TOOL. They are AMAZING live. I often compare them to our generations' PINK FLOYD. They had a sick laser light show and great videos playing on the monitors....PNC Bank Arts Center is a cool place to see a concert, but one thing: ITS IN NEW JERSEY. We got lost of course and no one in the whole state knew how to get back to the Garden State. I love my friends from Jersey, but guys, move outta there, it's hurting your street cred.


So for now I am back at the SNL desk until Aug 20 when I assume my new position as Writers' assistant. Weekend of of July 27th my best buddy in the world NAVY MAN JAMES SULLIVAN will be in town to celebrate the end of his single like (ONE VAGINA MAN!)

Also, ROCK THE BELLS tour wit h RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, WU-TANG, CYPRESS hill and others is on SUnday. I probably won't make it out alive!

See ya for my August blog post!

KEN

UGGZ are UGGLY

Tell ya what I hate about the Winter... UGGZ.



I'm sorry, I know it's cold, but ladies please stop wearing UGGZ? They're UGGLY. They wear nice wintery outfits but then they strap on these big fury Storm Trooper boots that make them look like NAPOLEON DYNAMITE hunting SABER TOOTHED TIGERS.



Sure they say that they wear them for comfort, but we all know it's just because they are trendy. Same reason they wear Capri's or buy Luis Vuitton bags.

But women's clothes during the winter are just so bland, no zip,no pizazz. That's why I cannot wait for the greatest day in New York City to come. It's the day that NY men live for. The first warm day where the beautiful women of New York emerge out of Fashion Hibernation and feed us some eye candy.
Oh how they love the attention! (and why not?)

They shed the wool sweaters for tanks, they trade the snow-pants for skirts and ditch the Ugg Moon Boots for open toed shoes or flip flops. What a great time to be alive.

So perhaps it's the dull winter fashions that make us appreciate that first day of spring so much. Somethig that Californians take for granted. But seriously California, you have no reason to be wearing Uggs in 70 degree weather.

So go on, comment away. What trendy Men's fashions do hate?

STATE OF THE NEUMAN ADDRESS

Last night President Bush gave his 7th State Of The Union Address and as usual I wanted to throw the T.V. into my bathtub and jump in after it.

It was so excruciating to sit through his speech because after every sentence the momentum came to a screeching halt due to applause and standing ovations.

The speech lasted 49 minutes and the President had to stop 62 times for applause!!! 62 times!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

Example:

Bush: "We need to balance the budget…(Stops. Democrats stand, applaud.)

Bush: …without raising taxes… (Stops. Republicans, applaud.)

Bush: ...and Nancy Pelosi needs to start wearing panties." (Entire chamber stands and applauds, along with every American citizen (and immigrant) watching at home)

Stand Up, sit down, up, down, up, down.... It was worse than Cheney with a bad reaction to Cialis. (boner pills)

Another great thing was when the camera would pan into the audience. There was:

- Obama: looking down, presumably texting on his sidekick.
- Hillary daydreaming: “The first thing I am going to do when I become President is sleep with an intern…I hate You Bill!!!!”
- The Subway Hero receiving a text from Obama: “so many white ppl here…its lke an Abercrombie ‘n Fitch staff meeting lmfao jk jk ttyl”

All in all, the President’s speech was somber. He is still obviously sad that his party lost the House and Senate. He is still describing terrorists as, ‘evil’, ‘wicked’ and ‘diabolical’. It sounds so comic booky when he says it. He sounds like Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget.




But amidst the seriousness, George was still able to crack a joke or two ( something about C-Span?)

Is it me or does it seem like George can’t wait to leave office and follow his dream of being a stand-up comic? I would imagine his routine would be delivered like Mitch Hedberg:


“Hey y’all, so like, an escalator can never be ‘temporarily out of service.’ It can only be ‘temporarily stairs’, he-he, sorry for the convenience. He-he-he, allllllright., stay the course.”








After the Address, George probably went home to his dog and Barney. (Ohhh snap!) He probably had a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, maybe even got intimate with Laura. I imagine that would be like Alfred E. Neuman banging The Joker!





Lastly, if you stuck around to here the Democrats rebuttal from Virginia Senator Jim Webb, you would have thought what I thought: “Man this guy looks and sounds just like Don Imus”.





So looking ahead to 2008, what is the Fate of the Union? All I am gonna say is: The Subway Hero for President! Who will be the Vice President? Guitar Hero!